Paris Hilton – Paris

parishilton.jpgMoney can’t buy you love, but it can pay for a good recording studio and enough production magic to perform corrective musical surgery on Paris Hilton’s limited talents.

Not content with being famous simply for being famous, the newly celibate heiress now wants to be a singer. To that end she’s released her first (virgin?) CD, the sex-soaked “Paris,” with the help of hip-hop mogul Scott Storch and more co-writers than “Snakes on a Plane.”

Some of the record falls into the “guilty pleasure” realm, while the rest is simply awful. Let’s start with that.

It’s hard to imagine making Rod Stewart’s hideous “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” even worse, but she manages. She samples “Grease” in “I Want You” to similarly execrable effect. “Jealousy,” a series of musical jabs supposedly aimed at her former reality television co-star Nicole Richie, is so simple-minded a fifth grader might have written it.

For Paris, perhaps, that may be an upgrade.

“Fighting Over Me” has Judakiss and Fat Joe rhyming and Hilton’s treacly over-enunciating, stretching “fight” into two syllables.

How is her voice? Let’s put it this way. If someone asks Paris Hilton, are those real? They mean her vocal cords. Her performance is fed through more electronic cheesecloth than a hundred dollar bottle of wine, and still sounds chunky when all is said and done.

OK, there’s plenty of red meat for Paris’s detractors, who with some justification feel that there should be some things money can’t buy. But the record does have its’ moments.

“Stars Are Blind” is a passable bit of pseudo-reggae fluff. “Not Leaving Without You” is at least as good as the worst moments of Madonna’s “Confessions on a Dance Floor.”

“Turn It Up” has a certain hypnotic charm. “Screwed,” a Go-Go’s sound-alike penned by Kara DioGuardi could even be “Paris’s” (sort of) breakthrough song, if it didn’t sound so much DioGuardi’s other clients, which include Kelly Clarkson and Hillary Duff.

The best anyone can say about “Paris” is that if you heard it and didn’t know it was Paris Hilton, it wouldn’t cause screaming and nausea, for at least three or four songs, anyway.

Once you learn the singer’s true identity, however, keep a paper bag close by. It’s a versatile accessory, something Paris Hilton knows a lot about.

(One Star out of Five)


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